So it's 6:46....

I'm awake and have this horrible head cold that won't go away.  I don't want to do anything today, but try and get back to sleep, but that doesn't seem to want to happen so we'll see how long this lasts. I probably have my poor girlfriend annoyed because of the light and the typing  but she sounds asleep so we shall see.  I wonder if my blog should be themed.  I mean it is usually about my adventures through life and whatever else is going on, but maybe I should start a new blog writing about something I love.  Like my newly found love for ceramics, perhaps, idk.  I remember being in the hospital once and doing ceramics, but I never got to finish my project because I didn't stay very long.  But now I can do anything I want which is really awesome.  I'm working on Halloween this month and have three projects I'm working on.  My next class is tonight at 7 so we'll see if  I can make it because I want to finish my projects by Halloween and I can't make it next week on Wednesday because I have a doctor's appointment at 11am.  So maybe I will stop being afraid and go from 7 to 10pm instead on Thursdays.  I mean, it's Philly and at night, so idk.  I've never really been out that late alone.  I'll ask Jamie what it's like, she would know.  I also want to go to City Hall today and go to the top to see William Penn and take lots of pictures.  I wonder if it costs anything? Hopefully I will be up to it.  Then I have to go see my psychologist which should be fun because I have a lot of great news for her.  The only sad news is that Jamie is not sure if she wants to live with me or not, and now that I have the money that would be a possibility.  So I will just get my own place and see her on the weekend like we used to do.  Then we'll see what the future holds.  I just wish she was more enthusiastic about things.  She's not.  I'm always the excited one.  She's always blah about everything.  It's so depressing sometimes.  But then when she sees that I am depressed she tries to enthuse me about other things, but as far as our relationship goes, she wants me out of this house and fast.  I can understand because living here is not fun.  His dad is not a great person, he's ok, I think I'm the only one who understands him to a certain point, but he's so nit picky about everything.  He's such a pain in the ass.  Sometimes I feel like shoving something in his mouth so he can't talk.  He says the stupidest shit sometimes and doesn't think about what he says and then we go at it and sometimes I end up crying.  Jamie says we are a lot alike but I don't think I am like him.  He has his own problems.  Yes, we like to argue on purpose and like to get a rise out of each other, but sometimes he takes it too far.  I tried not talking to him for a while, but that didn't last long.  And EVERYTHING bothers him.  So I made a piece offering with a piece of cheesecake and that was the end to the silent treatment.  So now things are just ok with him.  I just can't wait to have my own piece of mind without another father figure around. I really don't need him to tell me what to do.  It drives me crazy.  I came here running away from that and that's what I'm getting, another dad.  It's such a pain in the ass.  Idk, maybe I pay too much attention to him, so I shall move on.  So on a more happier note, I will be receiving a nice sum of money soon from financial aid and I wonder what I am going to do with it.  Of course, Jamie being Jamie told me to make sure not to blow it all on nothing, which is what I would have probably done if I wasn't in desperate need of money for other things right now.  And there's the fact that I have to save up for school.  So I figured I would give her some money, since I owe her a lot since I've moved here.  Then I would give my parents some money.  Then I would spend a little bit on myself, perhaps buy some clothes for this bitter weather and some music and a decent mp3 player.  And then save up the rest for my future college tuition.  That sounds like a plan.  I'd  probably be spending half of what's left so that isn't so bad.  I just hope the refund comes quickly.  It couldn't come sooner!  I hate the fall.  I thought I would like it since I'm from Europa and it's cold there and here I'm usually always hot, but it's getting so bitter.  And there isn't any heat in the house until winter.  I'm just glad I'm trying to leave this house as soon as possible.  Maybe my rommates wil have heat.  That would be nice.  I think this is the longest blog I've ever done.  I've just had a lot on my mind lately.  Also there's the fact that I might be pregnant which is really freaking me out. I don't want to be pregant.  I can barely take care of myself, how am I supposed to take care of a baby?  I mean the thought has crossed my mind, it would be nice to have a child, but my life is not stable enough right now.  And as far as abortions go, I don't know if I would want to give it up.  I know Jamie wouldn't want the baby, so that makes things worse.  And where would I keep it?  I'm going to be living in a small room in a large house with two other women.   That's not the life I want a baby to have.  Idk, I just wish things would be a lot easier and that there wasn't always all this drama in my life.  And we've been safe, so I don't know how this could happen.  I guess, I'll just have to wait and see.  I mean, I'm not having any endocrine issues right now that would stop me from getting my period and I'm having a lot of the pregnancy symptoms.  I have skipped periods before but it hasn't felt this bad.  I don't know.  I just don't need this right now. I have enough stress in my life.  Idk, if I try to look at it in a more postive way, a baby would ground me, which a lot of people say I need.  But no, I don't need babies in my life right now.  Ok, I think I've talked about everything so I'll just say, until next time..................