Just finished watching tv.....

I was watching 16 and pregnant for some reason.  It is a very odd show.  Some girls are happy, some are miserable, but they all usually have something more than pregnancy in common.  They don't realize  how much of a big sacrifice they have to make for their baby.  AND... they don't realize how important their parents are in their lives and the impact they have on them and on the baby.  It makes me think of a few months ago when I thought I was pregnant...for the 2nd time... and how I was dealing with it.  In some ways I was happy.  For a long time I didn't want to have a baby.  Why the fuck would I want a rugrat that screams, cries, and craps?  That sounded so annoying!  And then I started to get older and I was realizing that a baby was not something I could handle.  First of all, my girlfriend is not interested in having a baby right now.  Especially not one of his own.  She has her reasons, and I do understand where she's coming from.  Next is the fact that I had an epiphany the other day.  It wasn't really an epiphany because it was something I already knew, but maybe I wasn't ready to accept. It was the fact that I am NOT ready to have a baby.  My life right now is way too crazy to be thinking about supporting someone else's life.  I mean, yes, I am 30, and I am mature, but there is so much going on right now and so much going through my head, how the fuck would I be able to handle a baby?  No way.  Babies are too much responsibility.  Your baby has to be your life.  It changes your life forever and completely.  And I'm not ready for that at all.    I mean I have some kind of stability in my life right now.  I have an apartment, I live with my girlfriend, and I'm independent.  But there is so much in my head that I'm not even sure what to do with it.  I thank my parents every day for what they did for me, and I apologize too for all the shit I put them through, but I also thank God that I am here on my own.  It makes me sane, to some extent.  So now I am thanking God, or whoever/whatever runs the universe that I am at where I am at.  I am good right now.  And I thank everyone in my life for that.  And of course I have to give myself most of the credit because it is my life, afterall.  Now I'm trying to think about what my point was, but I think I have made it right now.  So I will leave you with this, until next time....as always.....