Rest and Work! How Ironic!

So I am in bed rest, doctor's orders!  But I also have so much work to do! Omg, do I have work to do!  But I guess now I have the time to do it!  Just take it little by little, as my wise friend, Erica, suggested.  I've also been told by my mother to stop everything altogether, but I'm not sure if I want to do that.  Actually, I would love to do that, but I'm not in the position to have that luxury.  There are goals which need to be obtained.  Personal goals, like school.  There are medical needs which need to be met, which right now requires bed rest and I'm trying my best to follow that.  I guess what a sensible person would do is take the time out and bed rest completely without any distractions.  Health must come first, people always say.  But I really want to focus on my goals, even if I have to go slower.  That's fine, as long as I don't stray away from the path.  I've done that too many times in the past and it has gotten me nowhere and this time I want things to be different.  I want things to be more positive.  I want to be happy.  And finishing school will make me happy.  I know it will take a bit longer than expected, but I know I can do it.  My goal is to graduate with an associates degree in May.  If it happens, then awesome!  If it doesn't, then I can say I did my best, as Dane would say!  And on that note it is time for best, so until next time! Good night and sweet dreams!  I will leave you with a lullaby from my current inspiration, Elmo.

It's father's day and I feel like shit...

I feel worthless.  I feel like nothing matters.  Not even love anymore.  She just rolled over in bed and I couldn't even kiss her.  I'm so sick of everything.  And change doesn't help.  Nothing helps anymore.  I don't even know if anything helped ever.  There were hopes and dreams, wishes, but nothing happened.  It just all fizzled away into nothingness.  I'm just so tired of being stepped on and run over.  I want to go back to being a bad person because at least I was good at it.  People hated me and despised me.  At least they didn't feel nothing.  Now I feel like I don't even feel anything about myself.  Except for maybe hate.  I hate myself.  I just want to die.  I want to not exist anymore because I feel like nothing is worth living anymore.  Not even love.  The precious love I held so dearly in my heart.  The empty promises of someone taking my heart and being gentle with it.  All I got were insults and slaps in the face.  I feel like I'm nothing.  Just empty.  Just wasting space.  Maybe I should just kill myself.  Or hurt myself.  I don't want to go on like this anymore.  It's not worth it.  But I'm not even brave enough to try.  I'm just trash.  A piece of trash blowing in the wind.

Ramblings of the Day....

Well it's Memorial Day.  It was fun.  Ate food and had a good time.  I wish Jamie was happier.  I know there's so much she needs to know, to realize.  I hate seeing her in pain.  I know she wants to be something bigger and better.  It hurts me so much to not see her dreams come true.  I wish there was so much more I could do.  I wish I had this magical fairy wand that could just turn her into everything she wanted and made all her dreams come true.  I love her so much and hate to see her in pain.  I wish so much for her to be truly happy.  I feel so much pain knowing that I'm happy and she isn't.  And it is such a small wish but with such big circumstances.  There is so much needed to achieve it.  And there's nothing I can do but reassure her and be there for her.  It makes me want to cry so much because I feel powerless.  All I want in this world is our happiness.

So we've been living here for 3 weeks now...

I think we should have a little outing when we've lived here for a month.  I can't wait!  Though we'll prob be at my parents house when that happens.  But that's fine we can celebrate that Friday that we've been living together for a month.  It should be awesome!  I can't wait to see Carlos on Tuesday.  It's going to be so exciting!  It's going to be so much fun.  I can't wait to see my mom and dad.  It's going to be so exciting.  I have to plan stuff to do for the rest of the week so she doesn't get bored.  I don't want her to want to go home in the middle of the week.  Besides we have to do food shopping for the week too, so that should be fun.  Hopefully my dad will want to take us somewhere on Monday afternoon after my dentist appointment.  Let's see where could I take him?  I want to take him to Maggiano's, but they have that here.  Maybe we could go to OTB, but that would require bus money.  I would want to go to PF Changs and I'm sure he would love it.  A chinese bistro with all the trimmings!  Can't wait!  I'm just so excited to travel with her.  We've never travelled together.  It should be lots of fun!

Good Afternoon! It is a beautiful day!

Actually, it's dark and rainy, but all the days are beautiful now that Jamie and I are living together! I am so happy!  This is such a great time in my life.  I don't think I've ever been happier.  I'm this little housewife and I'm waiting for my beautiful princess to come home every day from work with dinner on the table.  It's so exciting!  Yesterday I did laundry and went food shopping.  So it was a fun day. I made dinner.  Today she just left for a work a while ago and now I'm straightening up the laundry and our room.  I'm probably going to take a nap after I'm done.  Then I will make dinner.  We're having soup tonight.  It's been such a wonderful start to a wonderful new life.  The sex has been great.  Really great.  Much better than usual.  It's been awesome.  I can't describe it. Until next time...

I am SOOO EXCITED!

Finally my dreams have come true!  Jamie and I will finally be living together starting this Friday!  I am so excited!  She's finally decided to commit and I'm so happy!  I can't wait!  We'll be getting our own apartment and everything is going to be wonderful!  I hope things turn out best for us.  I've tried and struggled so hard to get this far.  We both have.  It's been a long four years and finally everything is falling into place.  I just for Domi to back down a little bit so we can finally move forward!  I'm so happy!  Until next time...

I really hate this....

It's 2:45AM and I'm waiting up for Jamie! Why? I have no fucking clue.  I should have just gone to sleep hours ago and not bothered.  I'm supposed to call her at 3 and she's not picking up her phone.  I hate when she acts like this.  I don't want to do a mad dash to pick her up at this hour.  I did that once before and it was bad enough.  I don't want to go out in the middle of the night and go looking for him.  I don't even remember where Liz's house is.  I just remember that it's at the corner of Vandike and Van Kirk St.  Great.  She's spending the night there. Why didn't she just tell me she was going to do that when she was leaving instead of telling me that now at 3am!  Grrr!!!! I'm going to bed. Until next time....

Ramblings of the Day....

I'm so glad I found a new place for myself.  I'm just afraid of what Domi's reaction will be.  She's completely crazy.  I shouldn't be afraid of just one person, there is nothing she can do to stop me and I have to think of that and remind myself of what everyone who supports me has told me.  I just need to be happy about this great accomplishment.  I finally found a place I can afford.  And I'll have money for the things I need and want.  My picnic will be a great success.  And I'll be close to the supermarket which makes me really happy.  I'm really upset with myself for getting angry at Jamie about her hanging out with her friend.  I know I get jealous because I don't know this friend.  But I trust Jamie and that's what matters.  And if anything happens I know that I will be able to listen to her and try to understand her even though I will be upset.  There are so many good things going on for me lately I am so excited.  I need to get back to school.  Until next time....

Ramblings of the Day....

So I was walking down the street going to my girlfriend's house when I saw this girl that looked like this girl Luz from high school and I'm like wow, things haven't changed much.  Girls today still where the big hoop earrings or the big v shaped earrings and it's so tacky it's not even funny and even though I miss high school, I can still remember how much I hated high school and how much I hated the people in high school.  I think the only good year was freshman year.  I was popular, everybody knew me, I had so many friends.  I went to all the best parties and I had so much fun being a freshman.  I mean I didn't start dating till I was about a sophmore so that was fun.  But still there was all this hatred and all this bad influence in high school.  I'm just glad I'm 30 and living on my own with my beautiful girlfriend and life is so good now.  It just makes me so happy.  Now all I need is to find a place for both of us to live in and I'll be all set.  Some place where we can call home.  That's all I need.  I love Jaimie so much and I know she loves me and I would do anything to make her happy.  And she makes me blissfully happy.  I hope she stays over tonight.  I love her so much with all of my heart, soul, and being. Sigh.... I can't wait for my Welcome Spring Potluck Party! YAY!  Until next time....

Ramblings of the Day...

Things haven't changed much since the last time I wrote.  The only difference now is that Domi is kicking me out and now Jamie and I have to find a place for the two of us which is turning out to be harder than I thought.  I've been trying to find a place for myself but even that has been hard.  Be back later...

So it's 2pm....

And I have an hour til my next appointment.  I can't believe that now that Jaimie wants to live with me Domi has to think about it.  It's not fair at all.  She has her boyfriend living there and Michelle has her boyfriend living there, so why can't I have my girlfriend living there?  It's just not fair.  Hopefully she will think about it better and let us be happy in the house.  Everyone with the person they love.  Hopefully Micheal will be able to find me housing so I can move out and get my own apartment and stop living in that house which is driving me crazy.  Cuz things are just getting crazy with all the bills and all the bullshit about money and changes.  I'm just so sick of it all.  I need a change.  A big change.  I want Jaimie and I to find a place for ourselves.  Until next time...

I feel so overwhelmed again....

There are so many things going on right now, yet nothing is happening.  I hate when I feel that way.  It's so confusing.  I have these mixed feelings about Jim and our relationship and I don't know what to do with them.  I just feel so overwhelmed.  And I keep getting mixed signals from him.  He wants to do this, and then he doesn't, and he wants that and then he doesn't.  What is going on?  And then that whole thing with Saturday night was so weird.  And everything he said.  It was so beautiful but how could I believe it?  After what had just happened?  I just felt like those were my words coming out of his mouth.  Idk.  I'm just so confused.  I don't know if things are ok or not.  I'm just blah.  Until next time....

Laying here with my Princess by my side is the best feeling ever....

I'm glad things have gotten better and there are no more misunderstandings and fights.  I have to try to make our relationship one full of loving, caring, and understanding.  Jamie makes me so happy and I love her so much.  There are so many things that I am thankful for for having her in my life.  She means so much to me and is so special.  I love her so so much.  She means everything to me.  I'm so excited because now I have a new job and now all I have to get situated is school.  It's become a big obstacle but i think I can do it.  Until next time...

It's 3:04am and I'm still awake!

I haven't posted here in so long.  Updates? Not much really.  Had a fight with Jaime earlier and it was so stupid. I hope she doesn't stay angry with me in the morning.  I have a lot of things to think about.  There's probably a list I can make.

1. What to do with my time
2. Find a job
3. Find a good school
4. Clean my room
5. Get new doctors
6. Go to Studio 34
and the list goes on...

But I can never seem to find  the time or the motivation to do things.  The only thing I've done lately that I'm proud to say is a great accomplishment, which is not seen so to many but I don't give a fuck, is my lack of soda for a whole week. That's a first in a long time...  Going through soda withdrawals is horrible.  But I think I'm doing ok.  Now, if only I could get some decent sleep and not be sleeping or taking naps during the day then things would be much better.  I feel sad.  I don't want to fight with Jamie.  I love her so much.  I think I'm going to snuggle with her in bed now and try to sleep.  Until next time....